Two cripples dancing.
Oct. 16th, 2006
12:19 am - I hate goodbyes
a few words to let everyone know this will probably be the last entry under mrskrauz.
'birdofcuzco' is up and running as my new blog, if any of you are still interested in reading some of the things I write.
i've probably already added you as a friend.
so, mrskrauz signing off.
so long mrs smith.
Oct. 13th, 2006
10:43 pm - Slow-Giving.
I've just realized what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.
I've known for a few years now that I wanted to study film.
the science of film, I even say.
It's something I feel really confident going into.
because I know that I could end up having a career I really enjoyed, even if I had little money.
However, there was always something missing, from that fantasy. I didn't really think of what I would want to do within the film industry.
Cinematography, réaliste, score, director, editing.
There's something about editing, that turns me on, where I could sit at a machine, and edit for 18 hours straight.
It's intimate, and meditative.
I've also decided that I want to have a career in character development.
I'll just create different characters all of the time, for different directors.
Do you think they'd pay me for that? I could do that first, and then try cinematography, and directing.
Then fall in love with a boy who is good to me, and me to him.
And we'l buy a house in the wood, and travel to work.
We'll have afternoons off, and go fishing.
And at night we'll cook supper and drink wine,
Go for a swim and read to one another.
We'd go to shows and have a drink too many.
Come home, and talk all night.
sometimes we'd listen to audio tapes.
the ones that tell you a story.
We'd stay in bed all day.
We'd study eachother.
We'd listen to our favourite records on saturday,
and wear slippers.
we'll be turtles.
and our children will be turtles.
and maybe by then, the world will have stopped spitting on eachother.
We'll work together, on and off,
making movies and projections.
Maybe i'll get to spend the rest of my life in Nova Scotia.
And it'll happen.
I think so.
"I'm here because you're here, and when you go, i'm going too"
All of today was wet. Inside the gardens, inside my shoes.
Standing 10 feet from my window, it looked like the trees had taken off in a system of mess.
I was waiting for my windows to break and for owls to fly in.
It was 60 years worth of peace.
and now, getting out of bed
I find all of halifax under water.
at least you'd think that from all this fog.
you can hear the quiet.
..la mer est belle.
I'm about to overdose from my environment.
Oct. 7th, 2006
07:13 pm - Dear memére B.
On the street posts going along Hollis street, towards school, there are multiple photos of two people kissing, with the words:
"When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew."
and I wondered who had put them there. I thought it was charming.
I think it might be time to retire mrskrauz.
She's done her time.
I owe so much of my adventures in Ottawa to this journal, by having met friends and a lover.
It's funny. I'm kind of sad to be writing all of this. Ha.
Just a matter of time now.
Perhaps there will be a new one for me to look forward to!
Happy thanksgiving weekend tout le monde.
Sep. 29th, 2006
10:51 am - Who by rote:
I'm here because you're here
and when you go I'm going too
As neutral as snow covering up violence
your mind was smashing its gear
like The Who by rote at good ol Monterey
where some people cheered and some looked away
and your best words were the most economical
and clear to the ear are nullified and kept
by mum protectors of a suicide note
but the best part of cold
is faraway is close and the distant bark of a lone snow shovel
digging out after the storm is a rhythmic whisper
I'm here because you're here
and when you go I'm going too
Sep. 27th, 2006
06:18 pm - Heart to heart.
I) Life is quick when you're on a mission.
I feel as though some people should just get grants to live, and simply live.
II) My head has been in the clouds lately,
I need to crash into someone so they can pull me down a while.
Sep. 21st, 2006
09:37 pm - Camping Trip Fantasy IV.
I feel like going fishing for some strange reason.
I am craving an autumn camping trip, where I can do some catch and release.
A small tent, warm blankets, chocolat chaud.
Mid-size fire. 4X5 camera. Jogging pants and tuques.
Glasses, Kafka, wool socks and mix tapes.
Pancakes, beans and fried potatoes.
Les temps sont durs.
Sep. 17th, 2006
11:45 pm - Ill fated
You're the same person, all the time, choosing a different body, a different face, a different name.
Always saying the same things, we always happen in similar ways, near bridges,
with your wife pulling you away, kissing me goodbye on one cheek, and saying to the other:
"I'd choose you", before leaving.
Until I imagine us in the same room again with only five minutes to spare, until someone comes in
and i'm pretending to make my bed, or checking my mail. so I go up to my apartment
and sit in my fridge, because it's almost as absurd as me feeling this way about you.
01:35 am - Hello Halifax.
Sep. 15th, 2006
09:42 am - Greg and Sophie at 17.
And so,. and so, and so:
Thinking about high school boyfriends, one in particular.
How more distant could we have been together, as in 'me', 'him', together.
One specific memory comes to mind:
We had all walked 45 minutes into the woods, in thick snow.
Some of us had snowshoes, others just settled with their boots.
The boys had shoveled three large holes in the snow the night before.
One for where the fire would be, the others for where we'd sit.
He sat with his back against a tree, nearby, I followed and sat with him.
Like two people would sit while in the bath, with both of their heads looking straight ahead to the faucet.
We took out some beer, and he told me about his day.
I guess I kind of loved him then, that night, when we had that tree to ourselves, whispering about our days while everyone was getting drunk.
Maybe that's what love is.
Love is with all of my ex-boyfriends, and my future one(s).
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